unsortable
by Kuroshi44
Summary: The five times the Sorting Hat failed to sort a student to the best of his ability. I'm taking five people out of their own world and throwing them into Hogwarts, where they irritate, traumatize or destroy the underappreciated accessory to clothing. includes; Merlin, Black Butler (Kuroshitsuji), D. Gray Man, and Skulduggery Pleasant in that order. My attempt at humor.
1. Merlin

**Merlin**

The Hat shivered as it realised just who was sitting beneath it. Even without access to the man's memories, the raw magical energy coming from him was a dead giveaway.

'Um, sorry to interrupt, but could you please make a decision already?' the hat hesitated; it would be rude to deny the request of such a man but …

'I can't,' it felt the disbelief and continued, 'the one defining characteristic you have is magic, you are born and bred of it, and there is no house that caters to that.'

'So once again my "destiny" keeps me from living a normal life? I cannot even attend a school properly I'm so strange?' the voice was polite on the surface, but underneath it sounded irritated and tired.

'I'm afraid so. Your magic is just too strong for any of the normal houses characteristics to have much sway on the decision.'

'So what do I do?'

'I don't know,' the hat said softly.

The school was very surprised with the length of time the hat took to sort the boy, Emrys, into a house; there was a rumour that he had broken the record for the longest sorting. Eventually the hat seemed to make a decision.

'GRYFFINDOR!' he shouted.

No one would ever know that Merlin had chosen that house purely because he liked the colours, they reminded him of home.


	2. Black Butler part 1

**Black butler 1: Ciel**

The hat found itself subtly impressed with the mind beneath it. It had never before come across a thought process so complex yet well organised. The boy was smart, advanced well beyond the year he was entering. He was also incredibly brave and willing to risk many things if he thought it would be of benefit, and mixed into the lot was a cunning and strength that meant he could easily use both of those traits to the best advantage.

Then there were the boy's morals. The hat had found that darker wizards tended to find a more accepting home in Slytherin, while people with similar traits but lighter tendencies were occasionally shunned in the same house. Over the centuries the hat had gotten good at sorting so that all students were more likely to find a home.

That ability was being tested to its very limits.

The boy had darkness, lots of it, and a supreme lack of value of human life carved into him over months of experiencing the worst of human kind. And yet he had never truly managed surrender entirely to the dark, he held a purity that called for the sparing of innocence from pain and suffering.

In short the tiny child was one giant contradiction. He managed a perfect balance between all the house traits, walked the thin like between both light and dark.

There was absolutely no way it could make the decision of where to put him.

'Just send me wherever I am least likely to experience annoyance at my house mate's actions,' the boy commented when he realised the hat was unable to decide.

'RAVENCLAW,' the hat shouted.

Ciel ended up rather pleased with his placement. Like when he was in the blue house at Weston College the rest of the house was too busy studying to pay attention to his extra activities as he investigated the rumours that had Her Majesty concerned.

When people told the hat later what the boy had managed to accomplish it would wonder (but only ever to itself) if the better choice may have been Slytherin after all.


	3. Black Butler part 2

**Black butler 2: Sebastian**

Sebastian put the Hat on his head after the rest of the ickle eleven year old's had been sorted. As a transfer in fifth year (and didn't he enjoy looking the part) he was sorted after all the other students. Ciel was already sitting amongst the ravens; unfortunately he was short enough to pass off as eleven, despite his older age.

With inhuman grace he placed the tattered hat on his head, his unnatural allowing him to were it without looking ridiculous, and waited.

And waited, and waited, and waited some more.

'Hello? I hate to rush you but I was under the impression that you would actually talk to me. I can sense the intention of magic and you are meant to discuss my placement with me, unless the decision is immediately obvious.

Still silence rang.

The hat, meanwhile, was a strange mixture of confused and terrified. He could not read the mind beneath him. It wasn't because the creature had strong shields so as to block him, it was because the mind was not human, and legilimency only worked on those that were. He could read this creatures mind about as well as he would have been able to a unicorn, impressions but no concrete thoughts.

He could feel the mind beneath him stirring. It was a twisted, dark thing, with the slow drifting kinds of thoughts that belonged to creatures of only the most ancient kind.

After another minute Sebastian removed the accessory with a rather embarrassed expression.

'I am so sorry, but it appears I broke it. Shall I just join my cousin in Ravenclaw?' no one said a word so he walked over to Ciel and sat next to him. His master just shook his head with an exasperated expression.

'Bloody typical,' the boy muttered so only Sebastian could hear.

Soon after the feast began, but it would be a while before something else happened that would eclipse this particular incident from the peoples minds.


	4. D Gray Man

**D. Gray Man: Allen**

'Another transfer student,' the Hat thought to itself as the fourth person in the group sat on the stool and pulled its brim low over his eyes. It didn't expect this boy to be much different from the other three.

Oh how wrong it was.

The hat had sorted future dark lords, victims of child abuse, and even the other three exorcists with their memories of war. After nearly a thousand years of sorting children the Hat had believed it had seen it all. The boy beneath him seemed to be trying to prove it wrong.

The first thing the Hat became aware of was that there were two minds present. They seemed to have developed a sort of coexistence that was part separation and part merged. The memories and emotions of both minds battered him, the dual nature of the mind making it harder than normal to sort out the information the poor thing was receiving.

The second thing the hat discovered was the seeping darkness that permeated their mind. Instincts based of hated and anger, a fragment of the purest evil that was interwoven into the very souls that shared the body. He had sorted human evil before, but this was something else entirely.

The third and last thing the Hat saw, the thing that finally broke the pore hat, was the memory of suffering _both_ minds held. There were so many years of abuse and torture, physical and mental, enough for several millennia worth of lifetimes.

The pain was too much for the Hat's barriers that had already been weakened by the otherworldly darkness.

The whole hall jumped at the hat started screaming like an animal that was being flayed alive. The sound was raw agony, torn from a throat that was not designed to utter such noise. Eventually the screams formed words.

'Get away, oh mercy get me away! Please, please make it stop!' the hat yelled. A gloved hand grabbed the traumatised inanimate object, tore it from his head, and threw it to the ground.

The white haired boy with a scar on his face rubbed the back of his head self-consciously.

'Oops?' he said with an apologetic half smile. His friends just shook their heads in exasperation.

'Only you, Moyashi, only you,' Kanda muttered into the gathering silence.


	5. Skulduggery Pleasant

**Skulduggery Pleasant: Darquesse**

The Hat was gibbering to itself in fear as they took it off the shelf to perform its duty. The last time it had sorted someone had been the year before, it was not an experience it wanted to repeat, and the poor thing was not looking forward to the gaggle of children whose minds it would have to sort through before it could go back to being a gibbering mess.

Mind after mind in read, each time flinching before it realised that they were just normal people.

Finally it had started to relax when it was ordered to sort another transfer student.

With trepidation it filtered into the mind, a quiet voice told him that it was a bad idea, and that he should pull back. But the Hat had a purpose, and foolishly ignored what he realised was the persons own mind talking to him as it felt his presence.

Slowly it lowered itself deeper, looking for the base traits that would tell him where this girl would belong. It was trying to ignore the memories of darkness and destruction, not wanting to lose its sanity again.

Then he found something and two dark eyes smiled at him and he knew no more.

For the second year in a row the hall of student was stunned speechless as something happened that should not have been possible. The Hat had been spelled to last the ages, impervious to all forms of destruction. The founders had not wanted the school to loose it's method of sorting.

Now they watched as the thousand year old Sorting Hat was slowly consumed by black fire and turned to ash, revealing a rather beautiful, dazed, girl from underneath with a slightly absent smile on her face.

The new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher sighed, tapped his collar bones, and turned into a living skeleton. The school was too shocked already to react to this latest development.

'I can't take you anywhere, can I?'

The dazed look on the black haired girl morphed into one of horror just as the skeleton lightly gripped her arm, grabbed the spiky haired boy who had come with them and had been waiting to be sorted, and performed the impossible. All three of them Apparated out of Hogwarts.


End file.
